By CHIOMA GABRIEL
How would a woman explain to her husband of over fifteen years that he is not the father of any of their four children? Worse still, how does she explain to him that each child has a different father?
This is a puzzle facing a female worshiper in a pentecostal church in Lagos. Worse still, the pastor of the church is in a dilemma on how to resolve the issue.
In the words of the pastor, a woman who has worshiped in his his church for over three years confessed to him that her husband was not the father of any of their four children and that none of the four children share the same father.
The couple have been dedicated members of the church and the pastor and the husband of the woman were in the dark until her confession to the pastor.
Unfortunately, the husband of the woman is not yet in the know. According to the pastor, “He thinks he is the father of the four children but I cannot be the one to reveal this to him. I have talked to the woman to confess to her husband and even promised to be available during her confession to ease out the tension but she fears the man will die if she confesses. So, they still come to church with their four children and the man is the perfect father.
“The woman has repented and confessed she no longer lives that kind of life as she was pushed by circumstances to do what she did but this is a burden to me. My heart bleeds each time I see this man in church and imagine his world of illusion but there is nothing I could do. Sometimes I wonder, what will happen when the man gets to know. What if he kills the woman or kills himself or kill both of them or even the children? I have prayed over this matter and asked God to take control but he is living in limbo, the world of illusion.”
In the sex-drenched world of today, there have been many guesses as to what makes a woman ‘easy’. Dr. Marcus McBroom, at the beginning of his 1963 article “A Clinical Appraisal of Some Sexually Promiscuous Females published in the Journal of the National Medical Association states:
Maybe she did not have a careful upbringing. Maybe her mother never had a heart to heart talk with her and never pointed out that unless she were discriminating she would not get a husband. Maybe she is over-sexed, stronger and lustier than most women, and consequently finds men irresistible. These are the more common guesses…We no longer have to guess what makes these women different from women of normal virtue. We know.
The insecure promiscuous woman “uses sexuality to deaden her sense of economic insecurity.These women may be financially independent and gainfully employed but, subconsciously, are not convinced of their own security. To relieve this anxiety, they indiscriminately bed wealthy and powerful men. McBroom writes:
“All of her numerous sexual partners were men of power and prestige. She was bitter about the fact that she was at a disadvantage in a man’s world; she felt that she was at a disadvantage with all male competitors. Sleeping with men of power and prestige gave her an edge over these male competitors. They had no possibility of getting close to the boss in quite the same way.
“She was repressing the longings for the male protection that she had been denied. She actually had a stronger craving for male protection than most women, precisely because these feelings remained buried in her unconscious, hidden under an exterior of self-sufficiency and over-dependence. Sleeping with men of power and prestige was her way of searching for that protection.”
McBroom makes case for another type of promiscuous women who are built entirely out of defiance against prude, restrictive parents.
“She made of her whole life a wild and voracious quest for sexual gratification. Every time she went to bed with a man, it was an act of rebellion against her over strict parents. “The fact is that she was frigid and that in all relationships she never reached a sexual climax… For all her unrestrained sexual activity, what she feared most was a lover who could arouse strong feeling in her and thus give her true sexual fulfillment.”
Another kind of “easy” woman whom psychologists have described and tried to help is a product of our impersonal and lonely city life. This is the woman who is so friendless and isolated that she is really desperate in her need for affection. She uses sexuality whenever she can to establish any human contact at all…her opportunity for a well-adjusted sex life had been thwarted by circumstances. The love starved woman is decent and upstanding. She would be happily married, had she experienced more opportunities. She is desperate for attention, affection and sex.
The love starved woman is the only easy woman who received the loving protectiveness required of a father figure, but she also has the most tragic fate. She chose poorly when she picked her lover, sleeping with a man who viewed her only as a conquest.
Psychologically, these women are the prototypes of many women today suffering from feelings of not being wanted, that they are unlovable, despised and isolated.
A genuinely passionate woman would not be easy.
Promiscuity has been discovered to be a social vice that has been commonly associated with the human population.
In a generic term, promiscuity is considered as a human sexual behaviour which involves the habit of having casual sex frequently with different partners.
It is also considered as being indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners. This social vice is practiced among both sexes.
Another common example of behaviour viewed as promiscuous within the main stream of social ideals of many culture is a “one night stand”.
Younger women are more promiscuous —Research
In an article published by Daily Mail of United Kingdom in 2008, young women were reportedly becoming more promiscuous, with more sexual partners than men.
By the age of 21 they have had sex with an average of nine lovers – two more than their male partner.
And a quarter have slept with more than ten partners in the five years since losing their virginity – compared with a fifth of young men.
Young women are also twice as likely to be unfaithful, with 50 per cent admitting they have cheated on a partner.
The sex survey, for More magazine, also found women crave more sex but still believe men enjoy it more than they do.
Sex is a great and free way to relax, unwind and have fun in today’s fairly stressful society, according to the survey.
The survey found more than half of the women were not in love with the person to whom they lost their virginity.
Some women, it has been discover are promiscuous because to them, sex is fun
Such women are aware that, when practiced safely, consensual casual sex can be beneficial, pleasurable, and enjoyable. It offers health benefits and can even count as aerobic exercise. She is not defined by the number of partners she has. She realizes that wanting to have sex with someone probably does not mask a profound psychological issue. She is not an idiot.
Promiscuity among men could include infidelity, rape, high risk of exposure to deadly diseases such as HIV/AIDs, and other STDs, early marriage and poverty among others.
But male infidelity is not news. Female infidelity is the news.
Nigerian woman, the most unfaithful in the world ?
Anything woman sells. So, should it be a surprise that a survey has to be conducted by condom manufacturer, Durex, where 29,000 people in 36 countries were interviewed?
Nigeria is equally in the news. Elections are approaching and there is apprehension over Boko Haram activities.
So, anything Nigerian also sells.
Was it a surprise then that Durex, a condom manufacturer has ranked Nigerian women as the most unfaithful in the world?
Durex survey taken across Asia and Africa revealed that Thailand men are the most unfaithful in the world, with 54 percent of them admitting to cheating on their spouses. South Korea came in second with 34 percent, while Malaysia ranked number three with 33 percent. Nothing was said of American women or women in Europe.
The survey revealed that the top two countries with cheating women are Nigeria, with 62 percent, and Thailand, 59 percent. 39 percent of Malaysian women also confessed to having betrayed their partners. Russian women came fourth at 33 percent while Singaporeans are fifth at 19 percent.
Another independent survey also conducted in Africa by AE affirms the fact that Nigeria with a population of over 160 million tops the chart for cheating women. Corruption and a general distrust amongst citizens is largely responsible for this.
Many Nigerian men and women have reacted to the result of this survey.
A woman in response to the survey posted:
“We have more Nigerian women that are faithful to their marriages than other nations. Ours can be attributed to various factors like religion, which has become the standard for most of us, and then tradition. Despite our exposure and enlightenment, a typical Nigerian woman still holds firm to the dictates of tradition, either of her background or that of her husband’s.
“That aside, our men are even too egocentric to allow their wives that liberty. A man can kill any woman suspected of infidelity, whether true or not. It’s seen as a slap on the man’s face and not an emotional slip.”
Another woman hotly responded, “That is a preposterous conclusion. What were the yardsticks they used in conducting their poll? How many women did they talk to and what scientific methods did they employ to arrive at such a sweeping verdict? While not completely absolving our women from indulging in certain shenanigans, I would say Nigerian women are not the most notorious in that regard. I have friends from other climes who are married, and at the same time keep multiple lovers, and I, happily married to my husband for ten years now, have never strayed . I have never cheated on my husband and I don’t intend to.”
A Nigerian woman based in the United States dismissed the report as a trash.
“Our women have not been faithful to their husbands. In the Diaspora, you can’t tell your wife to keep away from certain associations, she will lash out at you, and tell you to mind your business that she is an adult, and knows how to take care of herself- including knowing when to say no to an amorous overtures.”
A female entertainer who pleaded anonymity said, “I am not proud to say it; a lot of our married women sleep around.
At least among my circle of friends- we have at one point or the other maintained other relationships. Sometimes, the driving impulse may not even be for material gains, but for the thrill of it. But we are not different from other Africans. I know friends who are married too, but have been faithful to their husbands. I think our men should find a means to challenge themselves and ask what it is they are doing that is not right. I don’t think a woman will willingly go out there to cheat on her husband if the ‘game’ is right at home, if you know what I mean”.
In a story published earlier in Vanguard, the men admitted that some women could be extremely unfaithful but debunked the percentage put forward by the survey.
A middle-aged Nigerian man said, “I have been married for 20 years and my wife has not cheated on me.
In every way, she has been very faithful even despite my unfaithfulness.”
Another man said of his wife: “While we were still dating, I could say she kept other men, but as soon as she became certain that I was serious about her, she personally dropped them and has since then been more than faithful to me.”
Nigerian women are more sexually decent than their counterparts other places where married couples jointly patronize ‘Elite Sex Clubs’ where they have sex with other men and women. In Nigeria, family values are cherished and women who cheat do so mostly in secret.
Hence, it remains a puzzle how the country managed to top the list of unfaithful wives.
Another respondent states:
“Nigerian women are generally family-centred and conscious of society approval. Only a few would therefore risk rubbishing the integrity of their families, especially that of their children, for a moment of pleasure. Our society is yet to liberate women to the level of equal rights with men. Thus, no Nigerian woman will be applauded for cheating on her husband socially. To this end, the stigma it attracts is a deterrent. Besides, what a man can do and get away with in Nigeria, a woman cannot try it and get away and this includes being unfaithful in marriage.
“We’ve had instances where women commit adultery with no sense of secrecy but the percentage cannot be said to be as high as claimed by Durex’s survey. We’ve also had women getting pregnant for other men in their husband’s house but yet, the percentage is minute, compared to what obtains in other countries.
“If Durex’s claims were true, why do most Nigerian men in diaspora come back home to Nigeria to pick a wife? If you ask them, they will tell you our women are more faithful in marriage than their counterparts abroad. They have lived both in Nigeria and abroad but still prefer our women.”